Ah, pigeons. Those flapping, cooing, crumb-scavenging sky rats. You’ve seen them waddling around your city squares, staring at you with those beady, soulless eyes. But what if I told you those aren’t just the eyes of some dumb bird trying to steal your French fries? Oh no, my paranoid friends, those are cameras. High-definition, night-vision-equipped, 360-degree-rotating surveillance cameras.

Yeah, you heard me. Pigeons are government drones.

The “Birds Aren’t Real” Blueprint

Let’s start with the basics: Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? No? That’s because they don’t exist. Think about it—where would a baby pigeon even come from? An egg? Please. Eggs are just the government’s way of selling you overpriced “free-range” lies. The truth is, pigeons are manufactured in top-secret labs buried under Area 51, programmed with one job: spy on you while you pretend not to notice their weird little neck twitches.

The Battery Life Hoax

“But Skippy,” you cry, “pigeons can’t be drones because they don’t need to recharge!” Oh, sweet summer skeptic. Pigeons are solar-powered. Why else do you think they’re always sitting on power lines? Those aren’t rest stops—they’re docking stations. Every time you see a pigeon chilling on a wire, it’s downloading your Wi-Fi passwords and uploading your private conversations to the mothership.

The Cloaca Conundrum

Here’s another head-scratcher: Have you ever wondered why pigeon poop is everywhere? That’s not poop, my friend. That’s bio-tracking nanotechnology disguised as bird droppings. Step in it, and congrats! You’ve just been tagged for GPS tracking. You’re basically a walking data point in the government’s grand experiment.

Historical "Coincidences"

The pigeon surveillance program isn’t new. Back in World War II, "carrier pigeons" supposedly delivered messages across enemy lines. Yeah, sure they did. Those weren’t messages; they were reconnaissance missions. And when you hear about ancient societies "worshipping birds," don’t be fooled. Those civilizations weren’t religious; they were victims of early government testing.

The Truth is Out There... And it’s Cooing

Still not convinced? Next time you see a pigeon, look closer. Notice how they don’t blink like other animals? That’s because their “eyes” are lenses. Hear that faint whirring sound when they take off? Mechanical wings, baby. And those elaborate, synchronized "murders of crows"? That’s the avian IT department performing a system update.

How to Protect Yourself

If you’re ready to escape Big Bird’s watchful gaze, here’s what you do:

• Stop feeding them. Bread crumbs are bait, and you’re just funding their upgrades.
• Invest in a pigeon-proof hat. Tinfoil is recommended.
• Use decoy technology. Carry a fake phone to distract them from your real one.
• Watch the skies. If a pigeon stares at you for too long, it’s probably scanning your facial features.

Remember: The only thing more dangerous than the government watching you is a pigeon watching you for the government. Stay vigilant, my conspiracy comrades, and trust no bird.